When James first met David at the University of Nairobi, they clicked instantly. They had similar interests—football, music and a shared love for nyama choma hangouts.
After graduation, however, their lives took different paths. James landed a well-paying job in finance, while David struggled to find stable employment.
The casual outings that once defined their friendship became a strain. James could easily afford weekend getaways, fine dining, and golf club memberships, but for David, even splitting a restaurant bill became an awkward dance of financial gymnastics.
“I started feeling like I was tagging along rather than being part of the group,” David Maanzo Muoki admits. “At some point, I stopped responding to invites. It was easier than explaining that I couldn’t afford it.”
David’s experience is not unique.
In Kenya’s urban centres, wealth disparities are stark. Data from the Kenya Integrated Household Budget Survey (KIHBS) reveals that in Nairobi, the wealthiest 20 percent control a staggering 86.4 percent of the city’s wealth, while in Mombasa, the top earners hold 78.2 percent of resources.
This uneven distribution plays out not just in economic policies but in everyday relationships.
David Maanzo Muoki, director at Tetezi Insurance Agency.
Photo credit: George D. Mwendwa | Nation Media Group
“I once tried keeping up with my university friends after graduation, but the pressure was too much. People were posting photos of ruracios (traditional Kikuyu wedding ceremony), weddings, cars, and houses, while I was three years in, still jobless. I even left the campus WhatsApp group. I had to step back from social media and pray because I felt like I had wasted time while my peers were moving so fast. But God reminded me that it’s never too late to make a comeback, ” says David.
“Now, I’m married, have two great sons, drive my own car, and run my own business. Before I got my first job, I distanced myself from my working-class friends. I couldn’t keep up with splitting bills or contributing to their chama, so I opted out. Even after getting a job, that financial gap cost me some great friendships,” continues David, the Director at Tetezi Insurance Agency.
Unspoken rules
Friendships, he says, should be financially balanced because money always comes up—if one friend is struggling, they’ll hold back from contributing even valuable ideas.
One unspoken rule? Do not mix money and friendships. David advises that if you loan a friend money, don’t expect it back unless you’re ready to lose both. Also, never discuss salaries—income gaps can create silent rifts that change everything.
David reckons that friendships thrive on shared experiences, but when financial differences become glaring, they can create unspoken tension.
“Money was never an issue when we were all broke in university,” says Sarah, a marketing executive in Nairobi. “But now, some of my friends are earning six-figure incomes, while others are still figuring things out. It’s hard to find a middle ground.”
A 2022 study by the World Economic Forum found that friendships bridging different economic classes can significantly impact economic mobility. Poor children who grew up with wealthier friends had, on average, 20 percent higher incomes in adulthood than those who didn’t. Yet, sustaining these friendships in adulthood is where the real challenge lies.
Take Sheila Wanjiru and Vivian Achieng’, for instance. Sheila, an entrepreneur, finds herself in spaces where her financial situation allows for a certain lifestyle—weekend brunches, spa days, and international travel. Vivian, a teacher, often struggles to keep up.
“It’s not that I expect her to pay for me,” Vivian says. “But there’s an unspoken assumption that everyone in the group can afford these things, and sometimes, I feel like an outsider.”
The strain doesn’t always stem from ill intentions. Sometimes, the wealthier friend genuinely doesn’t realise the pressure their lifestyle places on others. “It took a while for me to understand why some of my friends kept cancelling plans,” Sheila admits.
“I had to step back and acknowledge that what’s ‘affordable’ to me might be a stretch for someone else.”
Social media pressure
In Kenya, social media has become more than just a communication tool—it’s a mirror reflecting deep economic divides, according to the Kenyan Social Media Landscape 2021 Report.
Platforms like Instagram and Facebook, dominated by high-income users, showcase opulent lifestyles, exotic vacations, and designer fashion, creating a digital playground of exclusivity.
Meanwhile, lower-income users gravitate towards WhatsApp and TikTok, which offer more accessible and affordable engagement.
The curated display of wealth on Instagram and Facebook intensifies social pressure, leaving many feeling excluded from friendships and social circles. The “soft life” culture—where influencers flaunt luxury experiences—fuels unrealistic aspirations and, in some cases, financial strain as people try to keep up.
This divide is further widened by digital disparities, as many from lower economic backgrounds lack stable internet access, making them passive spectators in a world they can’t fully participate in.
Money, friendships and psychology
According to Mary Mbugua, a counselling psychologist, money silently shapes friendships in ways many don’t realise nor appreciate.
“Wealth disparities create unspoken power dynamics,” she explainsm adding “The ‘haves’ often dictate social plans, while the ‘have-nots’ feel pressured to keep up or quietly withdraw,” noted Mary.
She notes that feelings of inadequacy, envy, and even social isolation emerge when financial gaps are ignored and warns that strained friendships show subtle signs—friends avoiding certain conversations, declining invitations, or feeling burdened by financial expectations like splitting bills or gift-giving.
“Many friendships crumble not because of money itself, but because of the silence around it,” she says encouraging open, judgement-free discussions about financial realities to prevent resentment from festering.
Mary Mbugua, a counselling psychologist.
Photo credit: George D. Mwendwa | Nation Media Group
Beyond wealth, Mary emphasises that true friendships thrive on shared values, not spending power. “Those who prioritise generosity, humility, and meaningful connections build stronger bonds,” she says. “Friendship should be about connection, not consumption.”
She further warns that social media amplifies wealth disparities, fostering self-esteem issues, anxiety, and the pressure to present an aspirational identity that doesn’t match reality.
“According to Social Comparison Theory, people measure their worth against those around them, and when financial gaps are stark, friendships feel less like safe spaces and more like quiet battlegrounds of comparison.”
“Feelings of inadequacy, envy, and exclusion creep in, especially when one friend always foots the bill or sets the social agenda. The silent strain can lead to resentment, anxiety, or even distancing.”
The psychologist suggests digital inclusivity and financial literacy as tools to navigate these pressures—because real friendships should be built on connection, not competition.
Tools to help navigate gaps
So, how do you maintain friendships across different financial realities without resentment creeping in?
Talking about money can be uncomfortable, but honesty is crucial. “I once told my friends, ‘I’d love to hang out, but I can’t afford these fancy restaurants every weekend,’” says David.
“Surprisingly, they understood, and we found more affordable alternatives.”
Friendships don’t have to revolve around expensive activities. Potluck dinners, movie nights at home, or walks and bicycle riding in, for instance, Karura Forest can be just as meaningful. “It’s about the company, not the price tag,” Sarah Wambui notes.
If you’re a wealthier friend, be conscious of how your spending habits might alienate others. “I try to suggest activities that are fun but not costly,” Sheila says. “And if I really want to go somewhere fancy, I make it clear that it’s my treat, with no expectations.”
In groups, alternating who hosts or picks up the bill can help balance things out. “My friends and I take turns hosting dinner at home instead of going to expensive restaurants,” says Vivian. “It keeps things fair and fun.”
At the heart of it, friendships should not be about economic status but about genuine connection. “If a friendship can’t survive financial differences, then maybe it wasn’t built on the right foundation,” says James Malika. “True friends find ways to stick together.”
“There’s a common phrase I hear: ‘This one has left us.’ It’s unfortunate because while I still value my old friendships, their perspective often changes,” says Alikah Jackson, a businesswoman. “I try to keep the bonds, but at times, financial differences create unspoken barriers.”
Alikah Jackson, a businesswoman.
Photo credit: George D. Mwendwa | Nation Media Group
To bridge the gap, she makes intentional adjustments. “If I planned to hang out at a high-end restaurant, I might opt for a more affordable place where my friend feels comfortable ordering without pressure. Sometimes, I cover the bill to ease any tension.”
Emotional intelligence, she says, is crucial. “You can’t talk about your next holiday when someone is struggling to afford a meal. People remember how you make them feel, and I want my friends to leave encouraged, not discouraged.”
Kenya’s growing wealth gap makes these conversations even more important. With urban wealth becoming increasingly concentrated, friendships that bridge financial divides are more than just personal—they are a microcosm of the larger society.
“When people from different backgrounds interact regularly, it breaks down stereotypes and creates opportunities,” says financial analyst Peter Mwakio. “We shouldn’t shy away from these friendships; we should learn how to nurture them.”
At the end of the day, money can change circumstances, but it doesn’t have to change friendships. What matters is not how much you have in your account, but how much effort you’re willing to put into keeping your friendships alive.
