Be my friend: Kenyan youth seek healthy relationships online

In an era of Tinder or Bumble, where young Kenyans get hook-ups instantaneously at a swipe on a mobile phone and hang out over drugs and alcohol, those who are seeking chaste, longer relationships are feeling left out.

A crop of young Kenyans say they want intellectual, non-sexual, lasting relationships but they are finding it hard to get them.

Unlike before when young people met by a river or in a church choir and forged an eternal tie, urban migration has broken childhood friendships. The era of show-offs has also made it hard to sieve out genuine friends.

“I was born and grew up in Kiambu County, an area that has over time grown and a good number of childhood friends left. Now many people living around here were not born and raised here, which may make it harder to make friends around,” says Grace Nyambura, a 24-year-old.

A few months ago, she turned to social media to find friends.

“I need some more friends in Kiambu/Nairobi who like to hang out, with very minimal to no alcohol. People who talk about life, development opportunities, healthy relationships and personal growth, love, games and fun while leading a very private life and celebrating each other,” Ms Nyambura wrote on Twitter.

Part of the reason she went all out to search for deeper connections is that many young people nowadays do not have “safe spaces to share their challenges, or just laugh.”

“I do mental health advocacy, work that has exposed me to people who desire a community that supports each other. I want to have a safe space where friends can speak in one voice and support each other through sharing opportunities, mentoring each other and expanding each other’s skills,” she says.

She adds that such can only be achieved if these friends have common passions, from music enthusiasts, and avid gamers, to outdoor adventurers.

From her tweet, she got hundreds of positive responses.

“I managed to create two WhatsApp groups with 60 people, the Telegram group has 321 people, and there is an additional 8 people who preferred not to be in any of the groups but show up for meetings,” she says.

“The reception was unexpected. There was a lot of positive uptake. People inboxed, saying they’ve been looking for such communities. Some people from Nanyuki and Rongai also showed interest. To think that there are a lot of people who want to feel like they belong, want to have fun with no drugs involved is exciting,” says Ms Nyambura.

She adds, “Young people use drugs as a coping mechanism for troubles and loneliness. Ours will be drug-free hangouts to also promote recovery from addiction. We meet once a month physically and other times we chat online.”

Wider pool

According to Duncun Murunyu, a 31-year-old actor, entertainer, and content creator, searching for friendship online provides a better and easy experience.

This is because online platforms, he says, allow one to connect with a wider pool of individuals who share similar passions, preferences and hobbies.

In seconds, from the comfort of their home, one gets to know someone’s political views, family values, taste in music and a sense of humour.

“You effortlessly identify the common points of interest, and then form a basis for connection. If you get authentic friends on social media platforms, what you see is truly what you get,” he says.

However, Mr Murunyu acknowledges that these friendships that sprout from social media have their challenges.

“It takes effort and intentionality to find the right people who are willing to explore such friendships. Tribalism in Kenya has played a big role in making people shy away from relating easily, but platforms such as TikTok are slowly changing the narrative. People are gradually understanding and appreciating different cultures and traditions,” he says.

Tracey Germainem, a lawyer in her mid-20s, says the Covid-19 pandemic era helped forge online friendships.

Everything from groceries, medication to cosmetics became just a click away, making online interactions more convenient and efficient.

This ease of access sparked her curiosity, leading her to consider the idea of finding friends through online platforms.

Lack of authenticity

“It became more palatable [click and find a friend], so I thought why not,’’ she says.

She says online friendships allow those who are not natural at making friends to exchange diverse views throughout, even when not in face-to-face interactions.

However, she also notices a disadvantage: the lack of authenticity.

“The biggest positive I’ve found is that you can show up online and connect with people with similar interests, but at times not everyone is authentic,” she says.

Changing socialisation concept

The traditional concept of socialising has evolved dramatically with the advent of social media. In the 70s to 90s, perhaps every friend made was just luck, right-place-right-time, or you were a sociable person or in college, the new friends came from football clubs or parties.

But now, busy work schedules, working freelance, from home, and out of the country means there is no self-replenishing pool of friends to draw on.

This is even harder for those who do not frequent bars or were born in the do not-talk-to-strangers era or who cannot engage with completely random people without giving much thought.

Unlike the older generation, which relied on face-to-face interactions, and were not socially awkward having spent all their days outdoors, Isaac Maweu, a counselling psychologist and a life coach, says the GenZ, who grew up when the internet was widespread, and interacted mostly online, find social media as the virtual meeting ground.

From the long chats, typing paragraphs back and forth, and showing emotions using emojis, they form a genuine connection.

Cyber-security concerns

“Belongingness is a fundamental human need, and the digital age has offered an avenue for individuals to seek out like-minded individuals on a global scale,” he says, “as humans, we naturally crave connections and seek out tribes where we feel understood and valued. The digital age has amplified this desire, offering unprecedented opportunities to find our ‘tribe’ online.”

However, as online friends become the answer to loneliness, Mr Maweu highlights the importance of educating young people about the potential risks.

“Young people are curious, but cyber-security concerns persist,” he says.

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