The workouts that silenced my anxiety, panic attacks

For the majority of people who go to the gym, the aim is usually to lose some weight—but for Ms Kerubo, it is quite the opposite.

The death of someone close to her is what led her to join the gym and get bonus points of having a “slim-thick body”, as she describes herself.

“I get a lot of compliments, and I appreciate—but what makes me happier is the fact that I feel fit. I’m in my best shape. That has given me motivation to exercise every day from Monday to Friday.”

All her life, Ms Kerubo has always been sporty, hence she never felt the need to go to the gym. She played hockey in high school, competed in cross country while studying law at the Kenya School of Law, and did a lot of hiking. She also ate clean because her strict father did not entertain any bad eating habits at home—junk food and fizzy drinks were prohibited.

“I always tell my friends, whenever they talk about grabbing some pizza, that the only day I’ll have pizza is when it’s made from managu,” she says laughing. “Because of my late father’s strictness on what we ate, I struggle with junk food as an adult, it gives me stomach problems,” says the 36-year-old.

Besides eating healthily, she was obsessed with jogging and hiking.

“I used to do a lot of jogging, but as years passed, life took over and I began getting overwhelmed with work. With not enough time to go for my jogs, I switched to hiking—but the problem is, you don’t hike every day.”

Things slowed down even more during the pandemic, and with most employers adopting the work-from-home policy, she gained some weight around her abdomen.

Struggle with anxiety and panic attacks

For the longest time, she was content with her physique—until her father fell ill and was admitted to the Infectious Disease Unit (IDU) after contracting Covid-19.

“Until 2021, I had never been to a gym. I was more into outdoor activities. But when my father, whom I was very close to, contracted Covid-19 and was admitted to the IDU—where he later passed on while undergoing treatment—I developed anxiety and panic attacks.”

The lawyer believes she developed anxiety and panic disorder from the constant supervision of her ailing father, who was on oxygen support until the day he breathed his last.

“I believe the attacks stemmed from my father’s sickness, because when he fell ill, I had to take care of him throughout his hospital stay. And because he was admitted to the IDU, I would always panic whenever his condition deteriorated. One moment he would be stabilising, and the next, he’d get worse.”

When she could no longer handle watching her father lie helplessly in bed, fighting for his life, she hired a caregiver.

“That only made the anxiety attacks worse because the doctor had instructed that we take readings of his health every hour—from heart rate to oxygen levels and all that. Because I understood the readings, I didn’t know what to expect. I was always anxiously waiting to see what the numbers would be, and every time the caregiver sent them, I would panic,” she says.

When her father finally died at the age of 61, the anxiety and panic attacks worsened.

“I suffered from nocturnal attacks. Living alone made them even worse. I would be sleeping and suddenly wake up in the middle of the night with a racing heart and rapid breathing. I would be sweating and trembling. It was so bad that I had to see a therapist,” she says.

Therapist prescribes gym

It was the therapist who suggested that she find a gym or a social space where she could interact with others and keep her mind distracted.

“When I joined the gym, I didn’t feel alone—there were many people to interact with. And because I didn’t know much at the time, I focused more on cardio, HIIT [high intensity interval training], and dancing,” she says.

Within a few months, Ms Kerubo had lost so much weight that it became a concern to those close to her.

“I joined the gym in 2022. At the time, I weighed 68 kilos. But with the intense cardio, I quickly lost a lot of weight. I dropped to 51 kilos. I was so frail and slender that everyone kept asking what was happening to me.”

Ms Kerubo herself was concerned. And as she researched, strength training kept coming up.

“I scaled down on cardio and embraced strength training, which is now the core of my workouts. Since I’ve always eaten clean, that combination—along with strength training—has helped me achieve my current physique, which is my body goal. I’ve also gained 11 kilos of lean weight. I now weigh 62 kilos.”

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